*This blog, as well as the people mentioned in the stories, will remain completely anonymous and pseudonyms shall be used due to incriminating (read: that time you fucked a fatty) events.
“Your pizza is ready”
I sign the voucher and take the pizza from the greasy cashier. We managed to get the only table – nothing short of a miracle—in the whole restaurant. The price was steep; minutes of flirting with four robust hockey playing girls wearing nothing but spandex and camel toes. I wonder how many times I can pull the “I don’t give my number to strangers” before getting called out on it. I guess she’d rather believe that instead of further embarrassing herself, she’d already grabbed my ass to which I responded with a look that said “If you touch me again I will vomit on your face.” We have your table, now leave. Thank you. They go back to their dorm sans male companions, phone numbers or dignity, an event all too familiar for girls of that caliber.
“Ryan, your pizza is ready”
The three of us sit down, DPS and I go to town on the pizza while Pookie has his head on the table.
Pookie: I fucked it up! I’ll never get another hot girl, why do I have to be such a looser.
Me: Calm down Pookie, there’ll be others you just have to learn to make a move.
DPS: Yeah man, you can’t expect her to do all the work.
Pookie: Why not? It’d make things so much easier.
Me: Because she’s a fucking girl man. Ok, listen up. She’s just as horny as you, she wants to fuck but it’s your job to work for it. She’s already spent hours working out, putting on make-up and choosing an outfit. She wants to be seduced, she wants to feel special. She is a prize, and she wants you to know it, fight for her, make her consider you worthy of her used up vag.
Pookie: Wow, you guys inhaled that pizza, couldn’t even give me a slice.
Me: I know, and I’m still starving.
DPS: Me too, but I’m broke.
“Ryan, your pizza is ready”
We all look at each other, our thought is communal, Ryan’s fucked. I give DPS the nod, me and Pookie stand up and head for the door. As we’re leaving we hear DPS’s voice in the background.
DPS: Yeah, I ordered a pizza a while ago, there was some traffic. My name’s Ryan.
DPS shows up with a large pepperoni and we continue our long drunk walk back to the dorm. As we devour the pizza our conversation continues.
Pookie: I just don’t like getting rejected. I won’t know what to do, I’d feel like shit.
DPS: Pookie, man, everyone gets rejected. You win some you loose most.
Me: Yeah, even if you get rejected 10 times that one time she drags you to the bathroom is worth it.
Pookie: I don’t know. I’m so worthless.
Me: Ok, how about tomorrow at the Professors and School Girls party, we’ll all get rejected. We’ll specifically hit on girls in order to get turned down; the one who gets booted the most, wins.
DPS: Ok, Ok, I like it. We’ll make a pact then tomorrow we all fail, you’ll see that it’s not that bad Pookie. It actually gets easier the more you drink.
Pookie: I guess, I’ll give it a try.
We all swore to fail over Ryan’s pepperoni pizza as we crossed the street to our dorm.
Pookie: Thanks guys.
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