Don't Quit Your Day Job Part 1

God: Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you, and if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch. Like a safecracker, or a pickpocket.

Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money!

God: Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right,people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

-Godfellas, Futurama

*Knock* *Knock*

I jumped off my bed –leaving Tori’s firm ass in plain view—and walked to the door. Who the fuck could that be?

Tori: What are you doing?

I didn’t answer her and wrapped a jacket around my waist, shielding the world from my naughty bits. I went outside and heard a faint ‘Where are you going?’ before I shut the door. God, she doesn’t know how to shut the fuck up.

It was my favorite hot girl/gay guy couple standing outside my room. And yes, there are plenty to choose from in a Liberal Arts University with a Rainbow Center.

Lou: We heard some noises coming from your room…

Sarah: What are you doing in there?

Me: Playing Candy Land, it’s a rough game.

Lou: Naked?

Me: Yep.

Sarah: Can we join?

Me: Nope.

Sarah: I guess me and Lou will just play out here then.

They looked at each other for a second and then she jumped him. He picked her up, pinned her up against a wall and they began eating face. Oddly enough this sight wasn’t that rare; a gay man ravaging a girl while another guy stood there bordering on nudity, welcome to college.

Me: So what are you guys doing tonight?

Lou: Me, [fuckbuddy] is coming over so I’ll my hands full.

Me: And your mouth.

Sarah: I’ll be drinking in my room, where’s your roommate by the way?

Me: He went home for the weekend, immigration issues. I’ll see you guys later.

As they turned the corner she looked back at me and smiled, she’d be coming –no pun intended—over tonight. I go back to my room, grab a beer from the fridge and sit at my desk. Tori is pretending to sleep so I’d pay attention to her, so I did. I fire up a game of online poker and blast The Doors. I don’t know her birthday, favorite color or menstrual cycle, all I know is that she despises The Doors aka: the greatest band of all times. Every time she moaned or turned I would raise the volume, she doesn’t take a hint this one.

Me: Tori!

Tori: Can you please turn off that music.

Me: No.

Tori: I want to sleep.

Me: I don’t.

Tori:…well is there something else you want to do?

Good God she’s desperate for attention.

Me: Not with you.

Tori: Fine then, I’m leaving.

Me: Ok.

She didn’t budge; she sat at the edge of my bed waiting for me to talk her into staying. I was busy; I had good cards and a flush draw.

Tori: I don’t know why I bother.

She got off the bed and started the scavenger hunt for her clothes.

Tori: Where’s my bra.

I pointed to the top of my bookshelf, hit my flush and won 50 cents, awesome.

Tori: Bye

Me: Yup

She grabbed the doorknob and hesitated.

Tori: All you do is use me, you’re going to end up alone and miserable one day, asshole.

I use her? Yeah right. As for the ‘alone’ part, she has no idea

Me: Get the light on your way out.

She stormed out of the room. I crack open another beer and look out my shitty dorm window, waiting for my next visitor. Wondering how best to please her, remembering if she’s the boob or the ass girl, if she’s a top or bottom, if she has the daddy issues or the abusive boyfriend. This is my day job.