Failure To Succeed Part 1

*This blog, as well as the people mentioned in the stories, will remain completely anonymous and pseudonyms shall be used due to incriminating (read: that time you fucked a fatty) events.

“Your pizza is ready”

I sign the voucher and take the pizza from the greasy cashier. We managed to get the only table – nothing short of a miracle—in the whole restaurant. The price was steep; minutes of flirting with four robust hockey playing girls wearing nothing but spandex and camel toes. I wonder how many times I can pull the “I don’t give my number to strangers” before getting called out on it. I guess she’d rather believe that instead of further embarrassing herself, she’d already grabbed my ass to which I responded with a look that said “If you touch me again I will vomit on your face.” We have your table, now leave. Thank you. They go back to their dorm sans male companions, phone numbers or dignity, an event all too familiar for girls of that caliber.

“Ryan, your pizza is ready”

The three of us sit down, DPS and I go to town on the pizza while Pookie has his head on the table.

Pookie: I fucked it up! I’ll never get another hot girl, why do I have to be such a looser.

Me: Calm down Pookie, there’ll be others you just have to learn to make a move.

DPS: Yeah man, you can’t expect her to do all the work.

Pookie: Why not? It’d make things so much easier.

Me: Because she’s a fucking girl man. Ok, listen up. She’s just as horny as you, she wants to fuck but it’s your job to work for it. She’s already spent hours working out, putting on make-up and choosing an outfit. She wants to be seduced, she wants to feel special. She is a prize, and she wants you to know it, fight for her, make her consider you worthy of her used up vag.

Pookie: Wow, you guys inhaled that pizza, couldn’t even give me a slice.

Me: I know, and I’m still starving.

DPS: Me too, but I’m broke.

“Ryan, your pizza is ready”

We all look at each other, our thought is communal, Ryan’s fucked. I give DPS the nod, me and Pookie stand up and head for the door. As we’re leaving we hear DPS’s voice in the background.

DPS: Yeah, I ordered a pizza a while ago, there was some traffic. My name’s Ryan.

DPS shows up with a large pepperoni and we continue our long drunk walk back to the dorm. As we devour the pizza our conversation continues.

Pookie: I just don’t like getting rejected. I won’t know what to do, I’d feel like shit.

DPS: Pookie, man, everyone gets rejected. You win some you loose most.

Me: Yeah, even if you get rejected 10 times that one time she drags you to the bathroom is worth it.

Pookie: I don’t know. I’m so worthless.

Me: Ok, how about tomorrow at the Professors and School Girls party, we’ll all get rejected. We’ll specifically hit on girls in order to get turned down; the one who gets booted the most, wins.

DPS: Ok, Ok, I like it. We’ll make a pact then tomorrow we all fail, you’ll see that it’s not that bad Pookie. It actually gets easier the more you drink.

Pookie: I guess, I’ll give it a try.

We all swore to fail over Ryan’s pepperoni pizza as we crossed the street to our dorm.

Pookie: Thanks guys.

Don't Quit Your Day Job Part 3

So, are you interested? After reading that you still think you’re up for it? Well, answer these questions then.

1) How far are you willing to go?

2) How good is your self-esteem?

3) Are you a good actor?

5) Are you willing to let someone be the most important thing in your life one day and leave them the next?

6) Can you handle being completely alone?

Here are the correct answers.

1) All the way. You need to know your objective and be willing to do whatever it takes to get there, because once you get there your job is done. A month long vacation with her family? Yup. Getting your ass beat? Yup. Letting her decide if she wants to keep it (hopefully she’ll vacuum the bugger)? Yup.

2) Rock solid. You can’t doubt yourself for a second, you have to know how great you are or else you’ll be destroyed in any project that you get too involved in. Women will fight you till the very end; they’ll hook up with other guys and hate you. Her friends will most definitely dislike you and you’ll have to stand tall, never appear weak, if you do, you fail. And don't expect them to thank you, they never will.

3) The best. Every girl has different problems and every problem must be treated differently. Normally I’m cocky, rude and inconsiderate of most people’s feelings, basically an asshole; you’ll have to learn to adapt your personality to each project without being too obvious. Tori needed to be treated like crap; she eventually ‘cheated’ on me, which was the goal of that project. ‘Ice Queens’ need to be gradually warmed up until their hearts melt, you’ll have to be sweet until you give her cavities, show her your mushy side. You have to cry on command, control subtle body language you want them to notice, know your different stares and how to use them. Never break character.

4) In a second. You will become involved with your projects. You’ll miss them and want them around, they will be important to you but you have to be able to let them go. It’s impossible not to get involved and even I’ve broken my cardinal rule, don’t fall in love. Just know that you’ll have to loose them and it won’t seem that bad when that time comes. You have to come in out of nowhere, then leave as suddenly as you showed up.

5) Yup. You can’t hide these projects since they involve human relationships, so you have to justify them. You naturally have to be a strong person to take on projects, which means you already have enemies. Projects cause more, women get jealous and don’t want their friends (your projects) around you, guys resent (unless you only take on fatties and ugly bitches) your success and shun you. People will try to take you down and you can’t let your guard down. It gets better though, you learn to trust people for certain things, designated friends. If you ever do find someone who sticks by you regardless of this, don’t let them go.

I also have a set of rules, but I won’t list them. As long as you have what it takes you can make your own rules, and if you’re like me you’ll probably end up breaking them anyways. Just don’t forget who you are and what you’re doing, stay focused children. This is what I do, this is the key to my success with women. This is what works for me and it’s actually the only way I know how. My success comes with a price though. I consider it a toll-booth on my daily commute, and I’ll always pay the price because I’ll never quit my day job.

Don't Quit Your Day Job Part 2

How do you get here? Why do girls flock to your room? Why you? There are dozens of books, instructional videos and websites dedicated to the art of picking up girls. There’s a whole community (more like cult) of these guys, Mystery, David DeAngelo or Ross Jeffries; each guy with their own technique, whether it’s cold-readings, pre-determined lines or overall scummy techniques. If you want a quick ‘how-to’ guide to get laid in college these guys will help –if you’re not completely incompetent. But that’s not what I’m about, personally I hate these guys, they make our world a shittier place. These con artists are programmed shells with nothing to offer after they run out of lines, and they make my job so much harder.

I’ll start from the top. Anyone who’s relatively smart knows the feeling of being ahead of the crowd, being more mature than your peers. You feel stunted and a need to dumb yourself down in order to have a good time. Sadly –like most people—I did exactly this, because hey, it beats the alternative, alienating yourself. Dumbing yourself down to one group becomes too easy, so you become a crowd jumper. You fit in with every group of friends but have no click of your own, you take pride in this. You’re such an amazing person you can stretch your personality to fit everyone’s desires… and then you feel empty again. You’ve lost sight of yourself; you’re pretending to be so many different people you forget who you actually are. You hate some groups but stick with them because you have no real reason to leave them; you pulled your personality until it tore. This is where most of the relatively smart people stay stuck, because it’s hard to fix.

To find yourself again you have to lose everyone else. This is why very few people do it, it’s a tough path. People will hate you, you’ll become alienated, and you don’t know who to trust. The resentment is so great people can’t wait for a chance to stab you in the back, to gang up on you, to get back at you. New people will feel intimidated and try to take you down; it’s a lifetime of fighting, a lifetime of looking behind your back, a lifetime of being alone.

At this point you’re probably wondering what the fuck this has to do with anything. Well, this incessant solitude causes boredom, this boredom caused my nifty little brain to develop games and social experiments to entertain myself. They started out small, saying or doing absurdly random things in public to gauge reactions. Seeing how fast I could get a girl in bed and push her sexual limits to see how far she’d go. Then the games got more serious. How long would it take for someone to tell me their deepest, darkest secrets? How fast could I get a girl to fall in love with me?

I got more involved in each game and this is where I realized how many people were going through what I went. Torn personalities, they had issues they couldn’t seem to solve but I knew how to fix it. The games became productive, helping people fill the holes in their lives. I switched to only helping women because I got laid in the process, fuck it, I’m a shitty person. I’d never felt a sense of accomplishment or significance until I helped a girl fill her void –no, not like that silly. Every girl has issues, some feel they’ll never be able to love again, others wonder why they’re always just ‘another’ girl, and some are just trapped in their current –shitty-- situation.

I call them projects, and no two will ever be the same. Some can take a week, a few will take years. Some will only need a visit once a week; others will take up half your day. Some will go smooth, other times you’ll get the shit beaten out of you. It’ll push you to the limit and then more, it challenges every single one of your skills and you reach places you never thought possible. There will be points where you regret starting a project, you’ll want to quit, and at that moment you realize this is the challenge you were waiting for.

Why the hell would someone do this? First the challenge is too great to pass up. Second, nothing else gives me the sense of fulfillment that my projects do. I’m not giving them a fish, I’m not even teaching them to fish, I’m helping them build a god damn fish stick factory. Third, I don’t know what else to do, I’m so conditioned to problem fixing and human drama I feel empty when everything is going great. Too bad I don’t get paid for this.

Don't Quit Your Day Job Part 1

God: Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you, and if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch. Like a safecracker, or a pickpocket.

Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money!

God: Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right,people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

-Godfellas, Futurama

*Knock* *Knock*

I jumped off my bed –leaving Tori’s firm ass in plain view—and walked to the door. Who the fuck could that be?

Tori: What are you doing?

I didn’t answer her and wrapped a jacket around my waist, shielding the world from my naughty bits. I went outside and heard a faint ‘Where are you going?’ before I shut the door. God, she doesn’t know how to shut the fuck up.

It was my favorite hot girl/gay guy couple standing outside my room. And yes, there are plenty to choose from in a Liberal Arts University with a Rainbow Center.

Lou: We heard some noises coming from your room…

Sarah: What are you doing in there?

Me: Playing Candy Land, it’s a rough game.

Lou: Naked?

Me: Yep.

Sarah: Can we join?

Me: Nope.

Sarah: I guess me and Lou will just play out here then.

They looked at each other for a second and then she jumped him. He picked her up, pinned her up against a wall and they began eating face. Oddly enough this sight wasn’t that rare; a gay man ravaging a girl while another guy stood there bordering on nudity, welcome to college.

Me: So what are you guys doing tonight?

Lou: Me, [fuckbuddy] is coming over so I’ll my hands full.

Me: And your mouth.

Sarah: I’ll be drinking in my room, where’s your roommate by the way?

Me: He went home for the weekend, immigration issues. I’ll see you guys later.

As they turned the corner she looked back at me and smiled, she’d be coming –no pun intended—over tonight. I go back to my room, grab a beer from the fridge and sit at my desk. Tori is pretending to sleep so I’d pay attention to her, so I did. I fire up a game of online poker and blast The Doors. I don’t know her birthday, favorite color or menstrual cycle, all I know is that she despises The Doors aka: the greatest band of all times. Every time she moaned or turned I would raise the volume, she doesn’t take a hint this one.

Me: Tori!

Tori: Can you please turn off that music.

Me: No.

Tori: I want to sleep.

Me: I don’t.

Tori:…well is there something else you want to do?

Good God she’s desperate for attention.

Me: Not with you.

Tori: Fine then, I’m leaving.

Me: Ok.

She didn’t budge; she sat at the edge of my bed waiting for me to talk her into staying. I was busy; I had good cards and a flush draw.

Tori: I don’t know why I bother.

She got off the bed and started the scavenger hunt for her clothes.

Tori: Where’s my bra.

I pointed to the top of my bookshelf, hit my flush and won 50 cents, awesome.

Tori: Bye

Me: Yup

She grabbed the doorknob and hesitated.

Tori: All you do is use me, you’re going to end up alone and miserable one day, asshole.

I use her? Yeah right. As for the ‘alone’ part, she has no idea

Me: Get the light on your way out.

She stormed out of the room. I crack open another beer and look out my shitty dorm window, waiting for my next visitor. Wondering how best to please her, remembering if she’s the boob or the ass girl, if she’s a top or bottom, if she has the daddy issues or the abusive boyfriend. This is my day job.