Blah.

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.
-Ernest Hemingway

I sit here and I write. I'm distracted, I waste time, but I write. I lay down and I dream, I think and I write. I make words but I can't write. There's no art without blood, without sweat and tears. There's no value without sacrifice, there's no meaning without pain.

The road of a doctor is glamorous, the road of an artist is treacherous. If you're an artist you'll die poor, if you can afford art you'll die rich. We all race on different tracks. If you're winning you're oblivious, if you're losing, you're ahead of the pack and if you're sitting on the sidelines watching them run, you've won. Soon they'll all die and be replaced by themselves.

You think you're winning when you see the finish line. You'll be struck down before figuring anything out.

You think you're losing when you see everyone pass you by. You're left alone and in that loneliness see yourself, what you need, who you are, putting you ahead of the crowd.

You sit on the sidelines when you've felt something wrong, it's not a track, it's a circle. You sit down and watch them run. By seeing what they do wrong you do what's right, you feel the grass on your ass and wait for what's coming to take all of you.

I've said nothing in the past paragraphs. What's their point? It means nothing, bullshit blabbering from a bullshit brain. Coping mechanism for your unparalleled laziness and lack of motivation. An excuse to be the way you are while justifying it, a way to sleep at night.

You believe the lie, making it true...but it's still a lie. What's right then? Certainly not using metaphors and an aggrandized vocabulary to show an idea that's been said before. Every thing is like some other thing. Every scene is like some other thing.

Whatever you think of has been thought of, whatever you write has been written. Frustration and lack of novelty seems to be our novelty. We don't walk forward, we just climb on top of everything that has been done before.

Well fuck you. Fuck trying, being is essentially what we're designed to do. What if everyone stopped trying so hard to be original and just existed? Who knows, it's never been done before.

Why are do big words make us feel important? Why does understanding something someone else doesn't make us feel superior? What if we looked deep inside ourselves? Looking for what we really wanted?

What if we found something we didn't want? What if we found something that scared us? Would you do it? Would I do it?

Bullshit blabbering from a bullshit mind and I still can't sleep at night. I need what I want, but I don't want what I need. I want a drink but I need tranquility. I want a joint but I need motivation. I want sex but I need stability..

Tomorrow will be bring me more of today. The day after that will be more of tomorrow. Life changes in a minute but every day seems just like the last one. Today is the only thing I have to worry about, tomorrow's problems will be waiting for me, they're not going anywhere.

No one cares about what I say but I say it. No one cares what I write but I write it. No one cares what you look like but you make yourself look so damn presentable every morning. No one cares about what you eat but you eat it. But that's different you idiot. You don't need to write or say what you have to say to live, I could go my whole life without either, moron.

Everything I write will go unheard, everything I think will never be known, it all builds to nothing, but nothing is all I have. Fuck these painfully inspirational thoughts, feelings and memories. They're not bad enough to be a tragic story, they're not interesting enough to be heard, they're just bad enough to fuck with my head and bum me out. Fuck'em all, but good thing I have them. I don't want them. They're all I got. I need them but I don't want them.

My Mission

I was on Google Maps today doing things that can't be considered even remotely productive. (Although now I do know it would take you 40 days to walk from California to Connecticut) Anyways, I began zooming in on both populated and remote parts of the world. Nothing too interesting. But then I thought that there has to be a car crash or accident somewhere.

Not good enough.

Out of 6 billion people someone must've been in a bad spot or must have been doing something really embarrassing at the exact moment Google snapped their picture. It's my mission to find them. Whoever you are, if you crashed your car or are doing something fishy on Google Maps, I will find you, and expose you. I will not rest until I find you. You have been warned...

Although it is weird that everyone
is looking up.

I Suck at Poker

Poker is like sex. Everyone thinks they're great at it, but almost no one knows what they're doing.

-A wise old man

I suck at poker, you probably suck at poker. If you know someone that says they're good at poker they -without a doubt- suck horse cock at poker. Some people who claim they'd be winning players if it wasn't for all the donkeys, really? Ok, let me put you up against professionals, I'm sure you'll do much better.

Everyone sucks at poker, some less than others. The best players are the ones that suck the least. Every player, whether he wins or loses, has hands that he regrets. He looks back and says How the fuck did I make that play? What the hell was I thinking? Sometimes these plays work, you suck out on the river, or you bust out.

The players who win make the least amount of mistakes, or the ones who really fucked up and got lucky. It's the charm of the game, find out who sucks the least. Everyone is always trying to fix the leaks in their game, trying to outdo the competition. No player has ever claimed to have played every hand of a tournament perfectly, and if he did, he lost.

So yeah, I suck at poker.

The End Is Near...

In a previous post I alluded to my utter disdain for 'hipsters'. There were several reasons, but I knew there was something else, a deeper reason. Like that feeling you get after eating too much Taco Bell and you think to yourself "Something bad is going to happen". You don't know exactly why, but you just know. This article explains it better than I ever can. Enjoy

My Blog, America and Poker

Several of my readers (yes, all 3 of you) have complained that my blog isn't very blog-like. I succumb to your demands. I shall post more often about the trivial challenges of my everyday life. You will join me in my uphill battle with employment, productivity and human interaction. As well as my bitter and oh so witty rants that you've all come to love.

There are certain things that put a smile on my face and make me have a slightly better day. This picture is an example of that.



It's good to see that the upcoming elections have captivated so many Digg users. But no matter how important or historic any election can be, it will always take a backseat to a 'That's what she said' joke. Good to see I'm not the only one.

Also, I had a very pleasant ending to my last Sit&Go of the day. We had been 3 handed for a while and the chip stacks were almost even the whole time. It was fucking exhausting, but then I managed to end it all in three hands.

Hand #1
t150/t300 Blinds - 3 players
The Official 2+2 Hand Converter Powered By DeucesCracked.com

SB: t4510
Hero (BB): t5140
BTN: t3850

Pre Flop: (t450) Hero is BB with 4H 4D
1 fold, SB calls t150, Hero raises to t700, SB calls t400

Flop: (t1400) 4S 4C 3S (2 players)
SB checks, Hero checks

Turn: (t1400) 5D (2 players)
SB bets t1400, Hero calls t1400

River: (t4200) KD (2 players)
SB bets t2410 all in, Hero calls t2410

Final Pot: t9020
SB shows 2C AH (a straight, Five high)
Hero shows 4H 4D (four of a kind, Fours)
Hero wins t9020


Hand #2
t150/t300 Blinds - 2 players
The Official 2+2 Hand Converter Powered By DeucesCracked.com

Hero (BTN/SB): t9650
BB: t3850

Pre Flop: (t450) Hero is BTN/SB with 8H AH
Hero raises to t600, 1 fold

Final Pot: t600
Hero wins t600


Hand #3
t150/t300 Blinds - 2 players
The Official 2+2 Hand Converter Powered By DeucesCracked.com

Hero (BB): t9950
BTN/SB: t3550

Pre Flop: (t450) Hero is BB with AC AS
BTN/SB raises to t600, Hero raises to t900, BTN/SB calls t300

Flop: (t1800) 3H 4H KC (2 players)
Hero checks, BTN/SB bets t1800, Hero raises to t3600, BTN/SB calls t850 all in

Turn: (t7100) 2D

River: (t7100) 6C

Final Pot: t7100
Hero shows AC AD (a pair)
BTN/SB shows AH 2S
Hero wins t7100

I smiled for two minutes straight.

What do you mean, try?

Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.

-Yoda

This is Yoda

This highly overused, cliché of a quote from one of the greatest Jedi masters of all time is completely taken out of context to prove the point I want. This may sound hypocritical, -since I constantly criticize the plethora of wannabe intellectuals who quote philosophers out of context- but trust me, our motives are very different. See, these people with anti-Bush pins and Save Darfur Bumper stickers do it as a type of mental masturbation. They are the epitome of intelligence and reasoning in this world; to prove this they use the very words of Socrates and Aristotle to prove their point. So it doesn’t matter if you, a simple-minded slave to the government, disagree with their point of view, because the greatest philosophers of all time agree with them, so phooey.

Wow, really? If Socrates was alive he would totally agree with you that Bush is worse than Hitler? Hmmm…Well do you know if Socrates was alive today we would be probably be a very active member of NAMBLA. Fuck off and go eat a tofu salad while you protest the tragedy du jour, you’re really making a difference.

Sorry, I needed to get that out of my system faster than a 7^th grader who hasn’t jacked off in a week. Ahhh…anyways the reason I quote this Mexican jumping bean of a Jedi is twofold. First, it’s a good example of my thesis in this foul-mouthed, spewing essay. Second, I can’t believe I’ve posted over 5 entries without using a quote from Star Wars, and I need to get it out of my system faster than…fuck; I already used that witty analogy.

I digress (read: start) to my point. The word try has become so ambiguous that no one really knows what it means anymore. Do, or do not. That sounds like a good technique, fuck trying, just saddle up, do it, or fail. None of that peewee soccer 'You tried your best Skyler, here’s a sugar cookie' bullshit. So what is it, try or do? Do we follow our dreams, or do we try to follow our dreams? The more I think about it, the many times I’ve seen people try, or I’ve tried myself leads me to another word, failure.

Once you decide you will try something you’ve accepted a slight possibility of failure. A sliver of doubt in your mind forces you to say ‘try’ instead of ‘do’. You can even see it in sporting events, when the game is over the new champ comes for an interview with a hot chick or balding man. Whether it be football, poker, skeet shooting, you always hear “I did my best and got lucky”. I only hear “I tried my best but just couldn’t cut it” from, surprise surprise, second place. The winners were also the people who said, on day one, I’m going to win this. Try seems to have been surgically removed from their vocabulary.

So, the second we try something we subconsciously prepare for failure, but what about when it’s not in competition, no prize? We’re going to try to save our marriage. I’m going to try and do better in school. The latter, at least for me, is just words I say to keep people of my back. And you’ve done it to. Whenever someone asks you to be careful, not to feed it after midnight, not put that in there and you say I’ll try you’re a lying motherfucker. You want, or will, do said thing the second you get a chance. So is trying synonymous with lying, deception? Trying is a last resort and a first tool. It’s lies and failure. Trying is a dirty word that I will only use when asked, Can you give me a courtesy tap? Sure, I’ll try.

Trying also goes against your nature. Too many people have ruined a good thing by trying to do what they are supposed to do, or what they think they have to do, rather than just go with it. What if they told Sammy Sosa to try to swing the bat correctly? Hey, Gus Hansen, try not to play trash hands for once. Umm…Mr. Cheech, Mr. Chong? Can you try not to smoke the marijuana like a cigarette when you come up with ideas?

But how does this relate to me? I’m not a roided up batter, not a wild Danish card player and I haven’t made a career making awesome stoner movies. I’m just average, everything I do is average so I have to try and be like the successful people. People get stuck trying to do something for years just because they think it’s the only way. I find this ridiculous.

Our bodies and minds have this neat trick, they tell us when we like something, when something fucking works. We’re the idiots who fight it. Throw it all on the wall and see what sticks. We tend to rip off what stuck and try to force pieces of unknown less stick objects on the wall, and we get pissed and try harder. By the time we realize what we’ve done we’re sitting in the corner, exhausted, staring at an empty wall, with all our sticky shit on the floor, being carried away by ants. FUCK!

Like the kid who likes reading and writing, gets funneled into engineering. He’s good at math at science, why not try it out? Like that couple that tried to have a long distance relationship? But, by far, the worst is when people let a label dictate the way they act. They become something so they have to try and fill that role. I’m an RA now I can’t launch soda rockets in the hallways anymore. It’s not that they don’t want to; they’re trying to fill the role of what they’re supposed to be. They will fail. Stick with what sticks.

Another example we’ve all seen. Guy and girl great friends, start dating and it lasts as long as a celebrity marriage. What happens? Labels and trying. While they’re friends there’s no trying just being. This gets ruined once labels come into place. Since they’re boyfriend and girlfriend they start trying to fill those roles. It changes the way they act around each other. They start forcing some things rather than letting them happen, they ruin the reason they were so great in the first place. If they just stopped trying and just letting things happen they’d be surprised by the difference. Just think about it, remember something you’ve done with a person when you both forced yourselves, it just didn’t work and probably sucked. Now remember the time you just let it happen, spontaneously, no forcing, no pressure, I’ll bet you anything it was good, pretty damn good actually.

All this doesn’t mean give up. Just fucking do things, if you fail, find out why, fix it and do it again. I’m done trying, never again.

Failure To Succeed Part 1

*This blog, as well as the people mentioned in the stories, will remain completely anonymous and pseudonyms shall be used due to incriminating (read: that time you fucked a fatty) events.

“Your pizza is ready”

I sign the voucher and take the pizza from the greasy cashier. We managed to get the only table – nothing short of a miracle—in the whole restaurant. The price was steep; minutes of flirting with four robust hockey playing girls wearing nothing but spandex and camel toes. I wonder how many times I can pull the “I don’t give my number to strangers” before getting called out on it. I guess she’d rather believe that instead of further embarrassing herself, she’d already grabbed my ass to which I responded with a look that said “If you touch me again I will vomit on your face.” We have your table, now leave. Thank you. They go back to their dorm sans male companions, phone numbers or dignity, an event all too familiar for girls of that caliber.

“Ryan, your pizza is ready”

The three of us sit down, DPS and I go to town on the pizza while Pookie has his head on the table.

Pookie: I fucked it up! I’ll never get another hot girl, why do I have to be such a looser.

Me: Calm down Pookie, there’ll be others you just have to learn to make a move.

DPS: Yeah man, you can’t expect her to do all the work.

Pookie: Why not? It’d make things so much easier.

Me: Because she’s a fucking girl man. Ok, listen up. She’s just as horny as you, she wants to fuck but it’s your job to work for it. She’s already spent hours working out, putting on make-up and choosing an outfit. She wants to be seduced, she wants to feel special. She is a prize, and she wants you to know it, fight for her, make her consider you worthy of her used up vag.

Pookie: Wow, you guys inhaled that pizza, couldn’t even give me a slice.

Me: I know, and I’m still starving.

DPS: Me too, but I’m broke.

“Ryan, your pizza is ready”

We all look at each other, our thought is communal, Ryan’s fucked. I give DPS the nod, me and Pookie stand up and head for the door. As we’re leaving we hear DPS’s voice in the background.

DPS: Yeah, I ordered a pizza a while ago, there was some traffic. My name’s Ryan.

DPS shows up with a large pepperoni and we continue our long drunk walk back to the dorm. As we devour the pizza our conversation continues.

Pookie: I just don’t like getting rejected. I won’t know what to do, I’d feel like shit.

DPS: Pookie, man, everyone gets rejected. You win some you loose most.

Me: Yeah, even if you get rejected 10 times that one time she drags you to the bathroom is worth it.

Pookie: I don’t know. I’m so worthless.

Me: Ok, how about tomorrow at the Professors and School Girls party, we’ll all get rejected. We’ll specifically hit on girls in order to get turned down; the one who gets booted the most, wins.

DPS: Ok, Ok, I like it. We’ll make a pact then tomorrow we all fail, you’ll see that it’s not that bad Pookie. It actually gets easier the more you drink.

Pookie: I guess, I’ll give it a try.

We all swore to fail over Ryan’s pepperoni pizza as we crossed the street to our dorm.

Pookie: Thanks guys.